As I have gotten older I have come to realize that friendships, like seasons, come and go. There have been seasons when the friends I once had I thought would be in my life forever. They would be friends I would see every week at church or in my small group. And then real life steps in and a friend relocates out of state for a job and another moves 12 hrs away to be closer to family after a kid comes along. We Facebook and email from time to time but the reality of that “life on life” relationship we once had is gone.
Now, as new friendships come along, I find myself putting expectations on them and how I want them to be with me. Like going to see a summer action movie, I want them to deliver in all the right places. At times I want them to listen more or be available to hang out on my terms. I want them to affirm me a certain way or even to share my views on God or politics or have the same passion for basketball that I do. The reality is that these expectations in a friendship are often more of a fantasy than anything else. I am coming to realize that true friendship is allowing someone to be the person they are and not what I want them to be. In fact, real biblical community is not built around all these “affinities” that we look for in a friendship - personality, hobbies, life experiences, interests, etc. - but our unity in Christ (Eph. 4:1-6)
The real truth is that we all, myself included, want the friend described in Proverb17:17 “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” We want the friend, like the waiter at our favorite Mexican resturant, who anticipates our needs and refills our cup without asking.
And then there is the friend that hurts us. The friend that speaks the truth to us out of love. This kind of friend we take pause with and may even pull away from. If I am going to believe that Proverbs 27:6 is true, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses,” then I need to consider the kinds of friends that I have and am making. Do I have friends in my life that can and do speak to me truth about those blind spots in my character? Do I allow them to be themselves in their relationship with me? Do I allow them to make mistakes. Do I show them grace when they do something, most of the time unintentional, that bugs me. Am I the kind of friend to them that can receive their love, even if it is hard at times and not the way I expect?
I stumbled upon this little expression of friendship in Henri Nouwen’s, The Inner Voice of Love entitled, “Trust Your Friends” that has expanded my concept of real friendship.
“You keep looking for proof of friendship, but in doing so you harm yourself. When you give something to your friends, do not keep waiting for a concrete response, a thank-you. When you really believe that you are loved by God, you can allow your friends the freedom to respond to your love in their way. They have their own histories, their own characters, their own ways of receiving love. They may be slower, more hesitant, or more cautious than you. They may want to be with you in ways that are real and authentic for them but unusual for you. Trust that those who love you want to show you their love in a real way, even when their choices of time, place, and form are different from yours.
Much of your ability to trust your friends depends on your belief in your own goodness. When you give a gift freely and spontaneously, do not worry about your motives. Don’t say to yourself, ‘Maybe I gave this gift to get something in return. Maybe I gave this gift to force my friend into a closeness he or she does not want.’ Trust your intuitions.
Allow your friends the freedom to respond as they want and are able to. Let their receiving be as free as your giving. Then you will become capable of feeling true gratitude.
I want to be the kind of friend that allows people to be free to be who they are able to be and not what I imagine them to be or want them to be. Like Nouwen says, I want to let their receiving of my love to be as free as the love I give to them. I think if I viewed friendship as a gift that I freely give instead of something to get from others I would experience the freedom that Nouwen speaks of here. And when I am basking in the friendship of God I know that I can be the kind of friend that others will receive. So what kind of friend do you want to be?
